Miscellaneous: Late Blogging The Oscars

I’m fairly sure that “live blogging,” whatever that is, involves a level of technical expertise that is beyond my capabilities. I also have it on reasonable authority that it would impede my drinking. (Seriously. I had a pitcher of martinis and an entire bottle of wine to get through. Is this thing on?) That didn’t stop me from recording my thoughts throughout the telecast.

The Pre-Show:

How do I hate Billy Bush? Let me count the ways.

This is why I love David Straitharn. Even his answers to stupid red carpet questions (“Was it hard to smoke so much?”) are interesting (his cigarettes were made with pipe tobacco because it smelled better, was less harmful, and the smoke looks good on camera).

The Actual Show:

The opening, featuring a city of movies that includes every major global landmark and cinematic character, is cheesy.

The intro comedy film with every living Oscar host is funny. Points for making hay of the fact that nobody wanted the gig this year.

A rock-solid monologue by Jon Stewart. He will be asked back.

Damn. Even Clooney’s acceptance speech is good. At least another has stepped up to don the mantle of brooding dark Irish sexual charisma. I could use the rest.

Are they going to play music under every winner? This is a bad idea.

This is why I love Ben Stiller. When the man does a bit, he commits completely.

They are going to play music under every winner. This truly is a bad idea.

A salute to the biopic? Am I imagining this?

Could I rock the ascot look like Morgan Freeman, or do you have to be a man of a certain age?

Both supporting performance presentations reunite co-stars. Clooney and Nicole Kidman (The Peacemaker), Freeman and Rachel Weisz (Chain Reaction). Am I the only person who notices this? I am, aren’t I?

Lauren Bacall introducing a tribute to film noir? This is officially the best Academy Awards show ever.

The campaign ads for best actress bring the finest of The Daily Show sensibility to the Oscars.

Why do the documentary presenters have to stand next to a TV like they work at Circuit City?

The March of the Penguins team brought stuffed penguins with them. That is ingenious.

During ‘In The Deep,’ the song from Crash, dancers are acting out the movie. Including a police officer unlawfully groping a woman. I thought the restraining order said that Debbie Allen had to stay 500 yards away from the Oscar show.

Now a salute to issue movies? Who signed off on this?

Mickey Rooney is under contractual obligation to provide one sage nod during each Oscar telecast.

How long has Grease been considered an epic?

The sound mixing winners from King Kong coordinated turns at the mic like the Four Tops. Well done, lads.

The Altman intro by Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep is pitch-perfect.

The Hustle & Flow song’s chorus now says, “Got a whole lot of witches jumpin’ ship.” I can live with that.

I assume those are union guys removing the lamppost after their number is done. Does the local provide their tuxedos?

Did the Three 6 Mafia just give a shoutout to Gil Cates? I love show business. And America.

Seeing Ziyi Zhang reminds me that my favorite movie of last year was 2046, and it wasn’t nominated for a damn thing. Rent it now.

Philip Seymour Hoffman did not bark. Color me disappointed.

Crash’s surprise win means that, unless I’m mistaken, Paul Haggis is the first person in Academy history to write two consecutive Best Picture winners. More importantly, it means that my prediction of at least one major upset panned out. Because in the end, tonight is all about me.