TV: Wednesday Ratings Report

7:30PM – 9PM, Stephen King’s Desperation, ABC (DVR)

Ancient Chinese spirits, huh? (OK, the villain was actually an ageless transdimensional entity that initially manifested in some 19th century Chinese mine workers. But a joke is a joke.)

Desperation fell apart late, like a lot of Stephen King projects. But director Mick Garris gave it a big feature film look. And I loved the haunted silent movie that explained the mine’s history.

9PM – 10PM American Idol, Fox

Like I’m going to watch all two padded hours of the season finale, especially when the outcome was never in doubt.

The wrap-up had a disturbing, dance-monkey-dance! quality to it. When you sign on to this show, the producers own you. If Simon Cowell needs a new kidney, Ace Young has to give him one. In fact, the transplant will be part of next year’s finale.

This is the first season we’ve followed in its entirety. I still don’t know why. In the past, we only watched the auditions and Hollywood week, because nothing makes better television that the delusional and high-strung teenagers having public meltdowns. As a result, some of the special guests were lost on us.

Rosemarie: Who is that?

Me: I don’t know. Maybe Carrie Underwood?

Rosemarie: I didn’t realize you could airbrush video.

Me (Later): They got k.d. lang to be on?

Rosemarie: I think that’s Clay Aiken. I like the suit. It’s from the Wayne Newton Collection.

If Kellie Pickler had had that hairstyle during the competition, she would have been unbeatable. And I still think Elliott should have won.

10PM – 10:15PM My Dad Is 100 Years Old, Sundance

Guy Maddin again applies silent film techniques in intriguing ways. Here it’s a centenary tribute to director Roberto Rossellini. His daughter Isabella plays every role, including Charlie Chaplin, David O. Selznick, and her mother Ingrid Bergman.

Maddin’s genius works best in small doses. Like the bizarre Sissy Boy Slap Party. Or the best short film of recent years, The Heart of the World.

Miscellaneous: Today’s Worst Idea Ever

Variety reports that Turner Classic Movies will be making new shows to appeal to younger viewers.

The premise of “Take Two” is that a young actor dissects a great movie of the past ... choosing actors and filmmakers to re-enact a classic scene from the movie ... in the pilot, Wilmer Valderrama takes on “The Lost Weekend.”

And the AMCing of TCM begins. You ungrateful bastards. After we single-handedly cut your demographic in half earlier this week.

What’s next, Paris Hilton in The Snake Pit? No, wait, I’d actually watch that.