TV: Thoughts on the AVN Awards

Oh my God! The Adult Video News Awards are being televised on Showtime? This means they read my letters!

Wow. Always a bad sign when the women escorting the winners offstage are better dressed than the winners themselves.

I don’t know any of these people. I don’t watch porn or listen to Howard Stern. But it’s an award show, so I have to watch.

After 25 years they’re still doing jokes about “having hard days”? Bruce Vilanch is just phoning it in.

Every woman who teeters onstage hikes the bodice of her dress up, as if afraid it’s going to fall off. What are they worried about? They’re porn stars.

Ron Jeremy – hey, I do know one of these people! – just said he’s reading off cue cards. All the money in this business and they can’t afford teleprompters?

Every award has three presenters, and some categories have fifteen nominees. The adult film industry is like pee-wee soccer. Everybody gets recognition.

As always, lots of competition in Best High End All-Sex Release. In another year, any of these titles could win.

Guy in the front row! Button your shirt! Oh, sorry. Buckle your shirt.

Sweet Jesus, there’s a production number.

It’s set in the year 2011. It’s about abuses of the Patriot Act. I’m not kidding. And I’m so happy I’m watching this.

Oh, Lord, now the lead dancer is being arrested by FBI agents wearing flak jackets and gimp hoods who are taking her into custody using hula hoops.

I’ve got to admit, this number isn’t completely terrible. I’m glad they finally stopped hiring Debbie Allen.

Look at all the bored tongue kissing in the audience. Is that how you place a drink order?

Jenna Jameson is presenting an award named after her. She’s up there having a mini-meltdown, rambling about her crazy year and generally overstaying her welcome. She’s the Mickey Rooney of the AVN Awards.

So Jenna’s not retiring, but she said she’ll never spread her legs in this industry again. Clearly, there’s some nuance here that is lost on me.

This is the last year of the film category? Only video from now on. Jack Horner must be spinning in his grave.

No. Another production number. It features a drag queen and all the starlets groping one another. It’s like my senior prom is happening all over again.

Female Performer of the Year is the final category, the equivalent of Best Picture. The winner looks like she just came from a My Chemical Romance video shoot.

This must be the only awards show in television history to end with a 2257 notice. To read more about it, pick up Christa Faust’s Money Shot.

DVD: Houdini, The Movie Star

Let’s class it up a little around here, shall we? Via BoingBoing, here’s the preview for Kino Video’s upcoming 3-disc collection of Harry Houdini films. Gotta love that robot.